The one about making a decision

6 Apr

So here goes the one I’ve been putting off since I started leaving this little trail of my happenings.  In just under two weeks I am scheduled to go to hospital for a microdiscectomy of L5S1, my physical gremlin since October 2006.  Since then I have diverted my salary to the osteopath’s bank account; ingested a skyscraper of painkillers and anti-inflammatories; had two painkilling epidurals (nice sedation); and still, time and again, it returns.

So in consultation with a very skillful and patient medical team (who neither laughed nor shouted when I googled discectomy outcomes and rang them immediately after, a gibbering wreck, for reassurance), I have made my ‘for’ and ‘against’ lists.

The ‘for’ list is as follows:

1) Pain, either a bit or a lot, pretty much all the time

2) Everything is about ‘will it hurt my back’ – so no running or kicking footballs or riding bikes with my Ls, nor scooping them up into my arms on the spur of the moment, nor sitting for prolonged time periods (I stand at work at my hydraulic desk – exhausting)

3) Numb foot and pins and needles, pretty much all the time

4) The painkillers are pretty grim, and I’ve been on them for A Long Time Now

5) I can’t wear any of my heels, and yeah I have a pretty mean collection of heels (this last point didn’t make it to the list I took to the neurosurgeons, but it’s very much on mine)

The ‘against’ list is as follows:

1) It is an operation, and something might happen to me while I have it, and because of the Ls, that scares me

2) There is a substantial period of recuperation involved, and this will negatively impact on the flow of the Ls’ lives

So while my ‘for’ list is longer, and full of rationality, my much shorter, less rational ‘against’ list (clearly the fact that I can’t run with my children and tend to take a lot of drugs affects them, of course it does), is as heavy in my mental weighing scales; at times heavier – certainly it weighs heavier on my heart.  Because at the end of the day, every consideration is all about my children, and how my decisions will impact on them.

This decision I still have to make – and to be honest, my internal jury is still out, there’s one conscientious objector in there who won’t go along with the consensus to deliver a majority – has highlighted to me, once again, that whatever is going on in the immediate proximity of me, it will never be all about me again.



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